Ah. Not sure where this will take me…but it feels like I should write. It has been awhile. I knew that I had to start again. My mind is racing and my heart is hurting and I’m honestly not even sure if I have any words left to form a proper sentence.
Grief, man. What even is that anyway? How can you possibly have only one word to summarize the feelings when you lose someone you love? There is no way that a five letter word can accurately describe all of the weird feelings like broken, angry, sad, lonely, hopeless, etc. It is almost like those words are too much to bear. It requires too much of an explanation. The word grief, however, is straightforward and clean. Unlike anything that it actually is. It doesn’t make sense… yet here we are. It is just a word. Grief.
I’d say that I am familiar with grief. We aren’t like life long besties are anything. Just briefly met a time or two. I don’t know all of the stages of grief, although I know that there are stages. All I really know about grief is that it sucks. I also know that I like to stay busy and push my feelings to the side, pretending that everything is okay. And I know that is a protective mechanism that ends up making everything worse later. So this time, I just want to feel it all. I want to feel every piece of it.
I’m not writing this because I want attention, or because I was Nichole’s very best friend, or because I am hurting worse than anyone else. All of those definitely aren’t true. I just know that we all have walked through grief or will walk through it at some point. Even though my brain feels like it isn’t working properly right now, maybe somewhere in these jumbled words you will find comfort knowing that you aren’t alone.
For two weeks, grief has meant wave upon wave of sadness and tears. It has meant questioning and struggling to understand the unfairness of it all. It has meant checking and loving on all of my best friends. Yesterday it meant cancelling plans and savoring family time. And today…today is a little weird. Today grief was scheduling doctors appointments, buying new running shoes, and asking anyone that knows more than me my questions about Heaven. Every day is new and weird and something that I am trying to take in and feel, even though it all majorly sucks.
I am waiting for the day when it all makes sense, when I have found a new sense of purpose to crush some goals, or when I see some silver lining in all of this… but honestly, I don’t know if that will ever be the case. So I want to leave you with one thing today- hope. I don’t have a single answer. But I am holding…clinging on by a thread truthfully…but still holding on to the hope that one day every tear will be dry, mourning will turn into rejoicing, and that I will see her face again. Isn’t that all we can do?